F@cKeR!!
Friday, September 05, 2003
It's been a long time
I haven't updated for like a month... Maybe it was beause i was so busy with school and the gym. I was reading my past entries, and it made me realize that i was so bitter!! and so cynical... Anyways, i don't know if i'm past that, but i am trying now. I've built my life now on my friends, the gym, robinsons, and school. A lot of things happended actually the past month. Too many to mention, but an important thing that i will be doing now is changing myself. Not to fit other people's expectations of me, but change into what i want. I was watching Legally blonde 2 which i found quite good, and i was inspired. How many times have i not spoken out and told people what i really wanted? How many times have i lost my voice, my right to speak out? Anyways, with that in mind, i've decided to change my image.
As vain as this would sound... i'm going to try to look generic, but not really be generic. hehe. I'm sticking to plain shirts now...
Oh you guys should see me now... i'm getting little cuts on my stomach it's so cute. hehe...l I just feel so proud of myself... Well dapat lang, i go to the gym 5 times a week.
anyways, i miss my friends... i haven't seen my LHC friends, except nat, for like forever...
I will try to change...
Thursday, July 31, 2003
"Something To Think About"
When people say, God broke you guys up cause he had someone better for you or that when God closes a door he opens another... did you ever think that maybe, just maybe... God broke you guys up coz he had someone better for them?? or that God was opening the door for them and not you...Hurts noh?? I've made my peace na with that!!
Also, when people say, "God made someone for everyone" or that "there is that one person out there waiting for you" did you ever think about the people who have two and more someones? Did you ever think that maybe, just maybe, they could have taken your someone?
"Destiny My ASS"
After all the hassle i got from my schedule next term... Nix and i had lunch at house blend... Their bufood was pretty cheap but that's it... For health's sake, it wasn't anywhere near healthy... Their sisig rice was oily as shit!!! I love sisig but the oil really gave me a headache!!!
Guesswhat i did the whole day aside from cleaning my keyboard (LOSER,-hehe)?! Play text twist with nikki!! hay, was that draining!! The oil and my tired eyes really made my head hurt!! Fuck!! You know i gots ta study pa for my test for intphil!! Gots ta read pa all these handouts and shit!!
So, i didn't get to go to the gym today, but i did some workout of my own today... hehehe... = ) Anyways, i'm really bothered about my missing money!! I had no idea how i could lose that much...
Anyways, there were these two songs that kept playing today... Seperated by Usher and If You Want To Be Mine by Luke Mijares... I don't know if my computer is trying to point something out... but the song made me so depressed!! grabe!!! If you want to be mine is so tight!!
I'm feeling the message man! Here's the 1st verse:
I'm going away,
I suppose things would be better this way,
I couldn't bare to let go once and for all,
You taught me how to fly now i've got to learn how to fall
I'm going insane
I've realized that i've been waiting in vain
I've got to stand up for the things i believe
You taught me how to love now i've got to learn how to live
I don't wanna win you back with some old strategy but to lose you would be my last biggest tradegy
I'm closing my door but my windows are open
If you want to come in you can climb up and crawl in
I'm closing my mind, but my heart is still open
If you want to be mine it's your turn to come back in
Cause i can't just forget all the pain that you let me endure
If you want to be mine baby this time you'd better be sure
TARGET!!! Sapol siya grabe!!! I've done all that i could do... it's over... Fuck!!! If you've noticed i'm still talking about her!!! AHHHH!! Another part of the song that i liked was the line when he said... "Baby, just this time could you be the one to breakdown and cry" Kinda self-explanatory na yun...
Anyways, i got to thinking today... Everyone tells me, "if you guys are meant to be together or if it's destiny, then it will be you guys!" Is that just some way of comforting me?? Is that the new "it's not me, it's you" bullshit?
Taken from my philo class, i've realized that there is really NO SUCH THING AS DESTINY!! God didn't write what would happen to us... coz if he did, then we wouldn't have a choice in doing anything, right?? It's so hard to explain really, but the thing is is that, who chooses what they do? you... who told you to eat? who told you to go to work or school? who told you to vomit your food? who told you to have sex and get pregnant? All you!! You make the decisions and you decide which path you take in the game of life... no one else!! It's all up to you... not God, not your parents, not your friends... It's all you... Maybe there are external factors affecting your decision, but who has the final say? YOU!! Maybe you're saying your parent's wont give you money or will disown you if you dropout of school... so you have no choice!! You do!! You can choose to follow your dreams and be disowned by your family or you could stay in school and act like nothing happend... It all depends on you...
So what bothers me now is... IF I'M SO SET ON MOVING ON WITH MY LIFE, WHY CAN'T I?? IF I'VE MADE MY DECISION TO GO ON... WHY CAN'T I?
"Graduation Blues"
Now i feel the stress!! I can't get one of my majors cause it's not offered this term!! I can't enroll in Philorl coz it needs A FUCKIN PRE-REQ!! I ran to the fucking dean's office without taking a shower and wearing jeans and my Banana Rep slippers. I didn't even know how i looked like today cause i got so "wushu" and "huffy-puffy" because i thought i wasn't going to graduate!! Fuck talaga!! Hay I talked to Maybelle na and she said i have to come back to advance adjustment to fix my philorl and she hasn't said anything about my urrudev. THAT BITCH!!! She better let me take a special class!! I don't plan on staying in La Salle just for urrudev!! Haay!! Now if i fail intphil or litera2 then that's a whole different story!!
Anyways, manong better get my RO fixed!! That damn old man!! I'mma harass his old crusty ass if he doesn't!! Damn!! If i think about it... if he doesn't fix this... i'mma be in La Salle taking up R.O.T.C. my final term!! Fuck no!! Shit!! Dammit!! HE BETTER!!! I paid his cigarrette smoking ass 5fuckingthousand to pass!!!
Haay!! Now the real dilemma is my intphil, litera2, and my thesis!!! I definitely need to pass intphil and litera2!! If i don't, i'm fucking screwed!!! Litera2 is passable but intphil is whole different story!! The teacher is cool and quite good... but her tests are killer!!! You need a fucking 195 point to pass!! i have 51 so far!! 1 more test and 1 final paper!! and i basically gave up my +20 points for perfect attendance for a fucking stick of yossi!! And then we got extra credit points... I'm only getting 20!! Fucker talaga!!!
I'm like novena-ing my ass everyday to pass intphil!!
My thesis naman, i don't know!!! Parang ang labo!! We weren't really doing anything until now, two weeks from its due date... Galing noh?! We spent all this time, correction, Rei spent all his time collecting the data, while me and juls did nothing really... I thought nga we were going to collect the fucking data during the summer but none of them replied to my texts... I got tired din...
I'm trying to help naman, but i got so much shit due this week!! I got a fucking book report due next week (I'm on chapter 1 pa lang), got an ala science project board due next next week, my FUCKING PHILOSOPHICAL PAPER for intphil!! and finally the sobrang time-consuming and did i say tiring thesis!!! FUCK!! THIS IS HELL MONTH!! I WANNA GRADUATE!!! FUCK NA TALAGA!!!
HAAY!! JUST REALLY NEEDED TO GET THAT OUT OF MY SYSTEM!!!
SCHOOL SUCKS!!
"A Thief Is Amognst US"
Oh my god!! I really think the helper is stealing from me!! I started out with 2000 pesos this week and my total expenditures so far was just around 1000 + the 500 that i have in my wallet!! Fuck!! It's so pissing me off!! I mean, i told rhea and she said she caught her before... and actually she took like 30 pesos from me before... but i didn't really mind that... but i mean... Now it's close to 500... I never really thought she would steal from me!! Fuck!!
Wednesday, July 30, 2003
"Hell Was Asleep"
We'll i can honestly say that today wasn't really that bad of a day... My final exam was moved to friday!!! Wohoo!! I got a haircut... And i wasn't rushing to get to the gym today... All In all... My day was productive...
You know what... I so find commuting more practical now... Instead of paying 40 bucks for a cab from my apt to pan pac... I only paid 10 pesos for the fx and a 3 block walk... Not bad huh?? I mean with the economic condition the Philippines is in right now... who wouldn't wanna save a buck or two? I'm not really the type to commute, but im finding it as an adventure now (i know it's so shallow). All these people in the fx... Real people... hehe... i had this rush of fear and excitement about a person taking the fx and its passengers hostage... shit!! the rush man!!! HAHAHA!! I KNOW, I KNOW... IT'S SOBRANG MABABAW... but that's me...
Anyways, i freakin bought creatine today by accident... I really had no plans at all to buy it this week, but when i saw all these buff men in the gym taking creatine and shit... I took it as a sign... I hurried my nasty ass to GNC and bought a can... After buying it... I felt bad... I shelled out 1,600 for fucking creatine!!! My brother in San Diego could get it for half the fucking price!!! What's up with the inflation?!?! Shit!!! Anyways, this lady at the gym today was pretty creepy... She kept staring at my monitor on the transport!! I'm like, don't you have a monitor din?! Leave mine alone!! Bitch kept pissing me off coz all i was trying to do was get my "transport on" but no, she had to keep staring... Anyways... I get home and guess who comes over today? Kay!!! haha!! By the way that's my sister's ex...
So anywho, my sister's new girlfriend is HERE!! haha!! isn't that kind of awkward!! But you know, my cold-hearted self told kay to go upstairs and say hi at least... BOY!! WAS I IN FOR A SHOW... IT WAS SO FUNNY how rhea kept elaine (the new girlfriend) in her room and kay in my room... you had to be there... hehe... Anyways i could feel kay's heart bleeding... she got kinda hot-headed and indifferent actually... It's not really like her to be all "yeah yeah" and stuff...
Anyways the only down part of my day was Kay... I mean not her, but what she symbolizes to me... Kay was Rhea's Trina... I thought they were perfect for each other and my sister thought the same about Trina... It just reminded me so much of the times the four of us (rhea, kay, trina, and me) would be downstairs and talking about shit... Basta all these memories... And then, i remembered that kay broke up with rhea because kay couldn't handle rhea and the job?!?! (WAZDAMEANIN?!) That was part of Trina's reason din!? Do me and my sister have the same fate!? Yuck ha... ayoko!!
Anyways... enough about trina... i'm becoming repetitive na... i didn't really think about her as i normally would today... but doing this right now, shows just how pathetic i am... hay!!!
So i'll get back to you guys tomorrow!!
Yehey!!! It started raining!!! IT IS MY DAY!!! Praise the lord!!!
"Extentialist-ness-ism"
Haay naku!! Today was an extremely tiring day!! Instead of working on my thesis and studying for my big exam tomorrow... i hauled ass to Pan Pac and "cardio-ed" my fat ass for two hours!! I'm still not losing weight!!! DAMMIT!!! I'm going to back on hydroxycut and creatine next week for faster results!! I can't stand another leg-raise!! AHHHHH!!
Anyways, as a way of saving money i decided to take public transpo (jeep or fx) since it was only a few blocks from my apt. Now, i think i'm paying the price for my "scroogie-ness." My forehead is breaking the fuck out!!! And it's some kind of a nasty!!! It's so pissing me off really!! My friend said it was just stress from school, family, and trina!! Haay!! i don't know, but i wish those fucking bumps would just dissapear!!
Anywho, i got some reading done for my philo class and it was quite "enlightening"... I mean, it says that everything that is happening to us is a result of our own doing... EXTENTIALISM... (did i spell that right)...
It says that we can't blame anyone for what's happening to us right now... and i got to thinking... Was it my fault that we broke up? Partly... Was it my fault that we didn't get back together? Maybe... All these thoughts made me wonder about all the what-ifs and what not... What if i just continued loving her and seeing her every friday... what if i just lied and said that it didn't bother me that i wasn't going to see her as much as i wanted to... What if i did what my mind said instead of my heart? What if i followed my gut instead of doing what she indirectly implied? What if... What if... What if i just didn't care? FUCK!!! It's so damn complicated and so damn hard!!!
But our lack of communication now i guess is helping... she's moving on... i'm forced to move... and it's like nothing ever really happend... It's like everything that we ever had is so far away now that i can't imagine how it would be anymore... making sense? hope so... it's like she has a whole new life... a whole lot of new things to do... and a bunch of new friends... and might i add a comment that someone bluntly said this afternoon during a Mirinda-Vodka session, "and dami gwapo sa E-Tel." I'm like, thanks for the info... next topic please... Fuck!!!! What was the need to tell me that? To get me more insecure or to just make me drink more? What the fuck was that?? That came out of nowhere!!! and ironically my computer kept playing oldies, "sometimes love just aint enough, against all odss, you're in love... etc." I wanted to cry and just breakdown right there and then, but i couldn't... not in front of them... I still have my dignity... or what's left of it...
And then, another issue was brought to my attention... I was the girl in our relationship and she was the guy... Was it becasue of that that she left me? Was i becoming too unboyfriend material? What's wrong with me? I mean i'm maarte and kind of "too kikay" for a guy, but that's just me... And then suddenly, i remembered our second monthsery... that day was the most memorable for me... We were at Rustan's window shopping... and i saw bath bubbles packaged in a glittery pink soda can... I was about to buy it when she told me not to because it did look too girly... I didn't know how to feel... i was a big questionmark... I didn't know if i was supposed to act like myself or put up a front and act like some strong guy... I was confused... I wanted her to love for me and not as someone else...
On our second month anniversary, she gave me a shirt... and the pink bubbles... I cried secretly in class becasue that's when i found out that she really loved me for who i was... She LOVED me (past tense yan... hehe... kabitter-an na ito)... It's kind of mababaw but that was the day i knew that i truly i loved her as well... That was the day that my heart completely fell and gave into fear... I LOVED HER...
Hay!!! AYOKO NA!! I'M GOING TO SLEEP!
Anyways... wish me luck na lang for my exam tomorrow... I'm going to need it!!
Tuesday, July 29, 2003
"My Unresearched Answer To My Bitterness"
So where do i start!! I had GYM class today and it was quite fun... It's actually the only class that i look forward to right now!! I always found sports rejecting me or "hatin" on me, but soccer gave my meaning of "sport-illerate" a new definition. It does'n't hate you (the sport), you just have to learn how to get along with it.. Am i making sense? Anyways, the people there are fun and they're quite friendly... They call me "tweety" for some reason... I thought the name would dissipate by the next meeting but IT FUCKING DIDN'T!!! Anyways, after class i went home to my apt with my friend and what do i hear, FUCKING SENTI SONGS!!! I'm like I DON'T NEED THAT SHIT SO EARLY IN THE MORNING!! What's up!?!
I thought my day was going to be good but somehow that fucking "ART OF LETTING GO" SONG COMES ON and i'm downstairs reminiscing and thinking about "her"! DAMMIT!!! I'm supposed to move on right? As Charlotte said, everyone is given half of the time they were together to get over the person... and MY FUCKING TIME IS UP!?! So where am I headed and what am I to do? I go around thinking about her and imagining her with someone else!! I'm going nuts and I'M JUST SO LOST!! I try to show a stronger side of myself to everyone, but i don't know how long I can keep it up. I understand now why people go into stalking... Hahaha!! But that isn't for me, just in case you're thinking that's my pre-assumed destiny. I'm a lost cause but definitely not a stalker.
Anyways, my friend and i was eating longanissa and adobo when i discussed to him my thoughts about the ugly people in, good-looking people out theory. Isn't that kind of true? Well for the case of the Philippines, i think it is. I mean, you see all these ugly people with "the gorgeous people?" why? is it the shortage of single people out there? the drought of the "lucky catches?" the lack of choices? or are people just too damn scared to be hurt again?
Take a look at it in a perspective where the gorgeous person was dumped by their fellow "gorgeous mate." Now the gorgeous dumpee is now traumatized or scared of falling "in love" again with someone that won't love her to an equal or higher level than he/she would. So what does the gorgeous one do? Find someone that will treat them like a king or queen... FIND A PHYSICALLY INFERIOR COUNTERPART!! I don 't mean to sound all bitchy and harsh but it's true. These "physically inferior" people do all these things to stay with their current girlfriend/boyfriend. I mean, i've seen several movies based on that idea alone... The hottie seducing the class geek for help on assignments or the voluptuously beautiful weather girl manipulating the young students to do her bidding... I mean, the idea is everywhere. Ugly people need love as well right? And i don't deny them that, but in my opinion, they just have to do more... give more... and show more...
The situation now is that more and more gorgeous people are cross-breeding (sorry for the term). I believe that the traumatized ones are now looking for a relationship where they can have full control!! A relationship where they are the DOMINANT ONE. A relationship where they will be the ones who are valued and cherished and not the other way around. A relationship where the gorgeous one wont be afraid and concious of everything that his/her partner does, unlike in an equally gorgeous couple, there will always be insecurities and jealousy issues. No matter how commited two people are in a relationship someway or another all the temptation out there will eventually catch up with the gorgeous couple and bite them in the ass. Nothing lasts forever... Nothing stays beautiful forever... it gets ugly and ages... but ugliness is already ugly and it can only get better...
Monday, July 28, 2003
"F@acker Is Born"
So this is my blog...
You know!! Life is so fucked up right now!! I mean!! I'm single... I'M FUCKIN SINGLE!!! (and it's not by choice) and all my friends are getting boyfriends and girlfriends... and it seems like i'm the only one left... Why do i feel like i'm so damn isolated from the rest of the world!! I wish i could just move on from this... but it is so hard... SO FUCKING HARD!!!
You know what i'm saying... it's like you love this person so much that eventhough she puts you through all this shit and drama... you're still there hoping and wishing that she'll come back to you... Maybe i'm the one making the drama... I'm the one still holding on! I'm the one who can't move on... FUCK!!!
AM I SCREWED OR WHAT?? The world is my enemy!! All these couples and happy people!! Fuck Fuck!! I mean... i see all these "ugly" people who have girlfirends and boyfriends... and then me... who i might say looks pretty damn good... single and depressed. What's up with the world?? You know what I'm saying? I mean, has the expectations of today's society made a complete 180 degrees turn? It's like are ugly people in? and good looking people out? I mean, take for example this couple that i see forever in La Salle!! He's my blockmate and may i say that he is not anywhere near a six on a scale of one to ten and he has this fine ass girlfriend who i might add has this something about her that makes you ADORE her... What's up with that?? It's like that SMB commercial where the ugly guy gets the hearthrob while the good-looking guys sit there in amazement? Do we need the "SMB" to get the girls? Is that what the singles today are looking for?
And then the worst part of this whole BREAK-UP is that i'm so OVER THE TOP EXTREMELY AND HATEFULLY BITTER OF LOVE AND ALL ITS SUBHEADINGS!! I see couples and i can't help but to think that the relationship won't last or think that someone is using someone!! Shit man!! You know what i'm saying!! This sucks!! What is poor bitter me to do?
AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
Anyways, I'LL BE BACK TO TOMORROW!! i have this fucking thesis due on wed (july 30!!!!) and me and my thesis mates are just starting to do chapter three tomorrow (july 29!!!!). There's really no one to blame really since i guess we were all too damn lazy to get our fat but nicely toned asses up off the chair and work!! Dammit!!! And aside from my thesis, i got a fucking paper due and then i have to study for a "sort of a final exam" for a class that i need to pass BAAADLY!!
fACK!! fACK!! fACKER!!!!
